Letter to The Rachel Maddow Show
Sometime in 2012, I believe
Thurston Howell III here with another Word Of The Day from somewhere on a desert isle. While Lovey fixes me another coconutty refreshment, let’s take up today’s Word Of The Day — REDISTRIBUTION.
We hear on the Professor’s short wave radio every once in a while about the debate going on back in the good old United States. Oh how I miss the country club, my chauffeur, my private entrance to the bank’s safe, hobnobbing with the Federal Reserve presidents. But I digress. (Oh Lovey, not too much papaya now. You know how it upsets me.)
REDISTRIBUTION is that awful, awful idea that all my hard-earned inheritance, capital gains and interest income (egad, man, you don’t think I actually WORKED do you?!?! What an appalling idea!) – all that income will be STOLEN from me by the government and given to all those ne’er-do-wells and lowlifes and moochers out there. Those peons just sit around waiting for the government to shower them with free food, free housing, free health care – all with MY money!! I make millions of dollars sitting on the boards of major corporations – meeting once or twice a year, more hobnobbing, more pate de fois gras at interminable parties, but it’s hard work – and I’ll be darned if I want my money to go sick veterans and senior citizens and lazy college students and low-income families and people who have just been fired from corporations that I sit on the boards of!!
REDISTRIBUTION works best if all those toilers out there – the construction workers, the teachers, the secretaries, the small-business owners – if they pay their proper and fair taxes which will then get REDISTRIBUTED to subsidize my oil drilling company, my agribusiness and my Hilton Head beachfront property (which I wouldn’t be allowed to build without federally-underwritten flood insurance). The little people’s taxes, of course, also get REDISTRIBUTED to keep the roads and railroads maintained that my corporations’ products get transported on, the ports where I import stuff patrolled by the Coast Guard, and my corporations’ products inspected to make sure their safe, so we don’t get sued by the little people and lose everything in giant lawsuits about poisoned lettuce or unsafe baby seats.
It’s like if all my friends here on the island were to suddenly get it into their minds that they DESERVED our nice little beach bungalow – which, come to think of it, they built for us since Lovey and I don’t know the first thing about that sort of stuff – and all our lovely collectibles. It would TOTALLY UPSET the natural order of things here. Surely they must see, Gilligan, Maryann and the rest, that if it wasn’t for
Lovey and me wanting to take a little sightseeing cruise and tipping the Skipper an extra twenty WHOLE DOLLARS to take us to that little island just over the horizon, we wouldn’t have sailed right into that storm and found ourselves in this mess in the first place!
I hope this gets to you before the next election. We miss you. (Aaaah, Lovey, just right on the bitters..)
Yours truly, Thurston Howell III, Esq.